


We Three Kings, Bickering Are

by BairnSidhe



Series: Strange Courtship [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, M/M, Parody of Religious Work, Song Lyrics, Song Parody, Yavanna is a scary BAMF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 06:24:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5364770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BairnSidhe/pseuds/BairnSidhe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when your neighbor's husband runs off thinking he's dead?  You go after him.  (Once your neighbor wakes up from that coma of course.)</p><p>The three Kings of the East go west looking for Bilbo.<br/>Thorin wants his husband back.<br/>Bard wants his people's hero back.<br/>Thranduil wants to know why he ever agreed to this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Three Kings, Bickering Are

**Author's Note:**

> So I got We Three Kings stuck in my head and crack happened. Apologies to anyone this offends.
> 
> Also, this work does not signal the end of my hiatus, merely the fact that I can at least write crack one-shot songfic again.
> 
> Requests for one-shots are now open to help lubricate the recently turning gears.
> 
> (Dedicated to all the folks that helped me through this rough patch)

_We three kings of Orient are_  
_Bearing gifts we traverse afar._  
_Field and fountain, moor and mountain,_  
_Following yonder star._

“Why are we doing this again?”

“Bilbo left before Thorin came out of the coma, Thranduil.  We’re inviting him back.”

“And that takes all three kings of the East because…?”

“Shut it, Elf.”

“Thorin needs moral support in this.  Matters of the heart are difficult for us mortals Thranduil.”

“Shut it, Bowman.”

“You really should practice what you’re going to say.”  
  
_O Gem of wonder, Jewel of night,_  
_Stone with royal beauty bright,_  
_Westward leading, still proceeding,_  
_Guide us to thy perfect light._

“Maybe something that’s not so close to a description of the Arkenstone.”

“Ugh, fine.”  
  
_Wed a king on Beornling's plain,_  
_Gold I bring to crown him again,_  
_King forever, ceasing never_  
_Over my heart to reign._

“Better.”

“I can outdo this sad Dwarven excuse for poetry easily.”

“I’d like to see you try, Oath-Breaker.”  
  
_O star of wonder, star of night,_  
_Star with royal beauty bright,_  
_Westward leading, still proceeding,_  
_Guide us to thy perfect light._

“You literally copied me and only used the word ‘star’.  No wonder your people are all moving West.”

“Eru help me, why am I friends with these idiots?”

“You said that out loud Bard.”

“Sorry.  I already planned my part, though.”

 _Frankincense to offer have I._  
_Incense owed a hero nigh._  
_Song and praising all men raising,_  
_Regard him, small one on high._

“He’s going to hate that.”

“If he didn’t want attention he shouldn’t have married you.  And he _is_ a hero to my people.”

“No, he’ll hate the ‘small’ bit.  He’s normal size for a Hobbit, perfectly respectable.  You lot are just too tall.”

“Hobbit on high?’

“Better.”

 _O heart of wonder, hero of night,_  
_Mind with royal beauty bright,_  
_Westward leading, still proceeding,_  
_Guide us to thy perfect light._

“Think that’ll be better than stones or stars.  Respects his courage and ingenuity, the things that matter.”

“Perhaps you are correct, give honor and respect to him, not pale imitations of his brilliance.”

“If the Dwarf will kindly stop mooning over the Halfling as Feanor over Galadriel…”

“Call him that one more time Elf…”

“Thranduil what’s your gifting song?”

 _Myrrh is mine: its bitter perfume_  
_Breathes a life of gathering gloom._  
_Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,_  
_Sealed in the stone-cold tomb._

“Mahal wept, Elf.  I’m trying to woo him, not…whatever that was.”

“It seemed fitting.  You sing of the past, Bard of the present, why should I, immortal and unchanging, not sing of the future I know waits him.  I have seen many mortals perish, and it is the custom of Dwarves to seal their dead in stone, is it not?”

“We need to get you out more Thranduil.  I think that forest is affecting you.”

“Or he’s just a gloomy leaf-eating bastard by nature.”

“Shut up Thorin.”

 _O heart of wonder, thief of night,_  
_Mind with royal beauty bright,_  
_Westward leading, still proceeding,_  
_Guide us to thy perfect light._

“Thief?  Really, Thorin?”

“My pet name for him is Burglar, and that has too many syllables.”

“I’m six centuries out of practice, and I’m sure that’s not a pet name for your spouse.”

“We had a strange courtship.”

 ** _Glorious now behold him arise,_**  
**_A King and Hero and Sacrifice._**  
**_Alleluia, alleluia!_**  
**_Sounds through the earth and skies._**

“Um, who sang that?”

“Lady Yavanna.  We met once, briefly.  Don’t much care for that 'sacrifice' part, sounds prophetical.”

“You met the Vala of green and growing things?  You are a Dwarf.”

“I hadn’t noticed; thanks for alerting me, by the way, you’re an Elf.  Besides, who do you think presided over our wedding?  I couldn’t do it as I was one of the ones getting married and none of the company were of equal rank.  The Hobbit ways call for a Speaker of Yavanna, but as one could not be located, the Lady spoke for herself.  _Forcefully_.”

“I have never been so glad I got married in poor anonymity.”

“Like I said, we had a strange courtship.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me here: http://bairnsidhe.tumblr.com/


End file.
